Joan Rivers funeral wish - Valentino, Beyonce's hair, Meryl Streep crying

Above is Joan River's funeral requests written in her 2012 book, I Hate Everyone...Starting With Me. Meanwhile it's been revealed that her funeral will take place on Sunday September 7th at the Temple Emanu-El in New York. See some more memorable quotes from the book after the cut...

  
On what she wants for her own funeral
"When I die, I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action...I want Craft services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene! I want it to be Hollywood all the way. I don't want some rabbi rambling on;

I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I don't want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing "Mr. Lonely." I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing just like Beyoncé's."

On obituaries

"I love the obituaries. To me, obituaries are just wedding announcements without the pictures. I read the obituaries carefully, the way Lindsay Lohan reads her Miranda rights."

On people who die of natural causes

"I hate people who die of natural causes; they just don't understand the moment. It's the grand finale, act three, the eleven o'clock number — make it count. If you're going to die, die interesting! Is there anything worse than a boring death? I think not. When my time comes I'm going to go out in highs type. I have no intention of being sick or lingering or dragging on and on and boring everyone I know. I have no intention of coughing and wheezing for months on end. One morning you'll wake up and read a headline: Joan Rivers Found Dead...On George Clooney's Face. Clooney Was So Bereft All He Could Say Was, 'Xjfhfyrnem.'"

On funerals

"I love funerals! To me a funeral is just a red carpet show for dead people. It's a chance for mourners from all walks of life to accessorize basic black, and to make a fashion statement that is bold enough to draw attention away from the bereaved but subtle enough so that no one knows that it's happening. And, it's a great way to have quiet fun."

On people who offer condolences

"I hate people who try to make you feel better. Like the neighbor who says, 'Don't forget, the first part of 'funeral' is 'fun!' Or the minister who says, 'He's in a better place now.' I'm tempted to yell out, 'No he's not. He had a house in the Hamptons. What's wrong with you?""

On the pick-up scene at funerals

"As I get older, I'm going to a lot more funerals, and let me tell you something, it's a great pick-up scene. A graveside funeral is live eHarmony for the bereaved."

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 "We are going to find Yakubu, perhaps we can get some milk from the masters' kitchen," Tanko said. He was the son of the strongest wrestler in Dogongari. His father was tall and hefty and threw any contester to the ground. Tanko's father was well respected for his strength and the man was a very gentle and humble man but Tanko was the opposite of his father. He was weak, troublesome and very mischievous. Had he not had a striking facial resemblance with his father, as well as his height, his paternity would have been in doubt. Bawa was the son of the village tobacco merchant. His father was short and fat and very tricky. He had a reputation for cheating people. He was also a money lender who demanded very high interest. Bawa was a replica of his father in every way, in appearance and character except that Bawa was more considerate. He could take pity on others itcr hoodwinking them. Garba did not like him much "Really?" Sule asked. "I hope it will be all right if I go with you." "You don't have to," Bawa said. "You know if he takes more than expected, the master would know he took his milk." "It's not bad if we shared whatever Yakubu gives us with our fellows," Tanko said. "Garba can even get from it," Sule said. Bawa made a face. "Look at you, Sule, you have......


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